Penal Substitutionary Atonement

Taking a break from the Bible, let’s have a chat with Jesus.
Intransitive Lie (IL): So thanks for sitting down with me.
Joshua ben Joseph (JC): Not a problem. I’m here for you.
IL: I’d like to pick your brain on the subject of penal substitutionary atonement.
JC: I can’t say that I dig it.
IL: So why did you die then?
JC: Because people are dicks.
IL: Interesting.
JC: Listen, I didn’t die for your sins. I died because of your sins, definitely, but not for your sins.
IL: So you weren’t the fulfillment of Abraham’s sacrifice of Isaac.
JC: When did God get the rep for being into human sacrifice? He said quite clearly after he tested Abe that he wasn’t into that. So why would he send me to be sacrificed.
IL: But then why did you die?
JC: Because people sin. Because the world sins. I died as a sacrifice, sure, but to sin, not to redeem sin. People back in the day weren’t ready for it.
IL: What?
JC: They weren’t ready to be free from sin, so they killed me. I hate to say it but if I came again they’d probably do the same thing. Forget the flaming swords and end times bullshit. I died because I love you so much, all of you sinful bastards, that I let you kill me because that’s how I roll. Love conquers hate. Love conquers death. But not because suddenly you no longer have original sin (which is a crock, by the way). I died because you met my love with hatred and death and you weren’t ready.
IL: So it was pointless then.
JC: Shit yeah it was pointless. I don’t mean my life or my teachings or my coming in the first place. That was point-full. But my death was horrible and painful and pointless, and through it all I still love you. God still loves you after you killed his only son (if you groove that way; me, I’m Jewish so I’m still waiting on the Messiah). That was my point. You can’t kill love, even if you try really, really hard, which you did, if you think about it. I was love, God is love, and you crucified me. Do you have any idea how horrible that is. You die hard when you get crucified, believe me.
IL: Oh I’ll take your word for it.
JC: But everyone dies hard. Nobody wants to die, unless they’re sick, in which case they need help, not death. I didn’t need to die. I could have happily kept preaching the good word and getting people to love one another.
IL: So all death is like yours?
JC: In a manner of speaking, although unless you’ve been crucified recently you can’t say it’s exactly like mine. But all death is the attempt to extinguish love. Life should be love. Death is just the last chapter there though; sin extinguishes love too. But by dying, I proved that love doesn’t. Sin and death can’t extinguish love. I loved you so much I forgave you even as I was dying really, really painfully (I can’t stress that enough).
IL: But what about folks who are ready for death or who look on it as a blessing?
JC: Some of them have figured it out. Death doesn’t win. Not if you love harder than you die. Some of them are just looking for an end, and like I said it would be awesome if they got an end to what is making them suffer rather than having to die, but God knows how it is and sometimes…
IL: So suicide isn’t a one-way ticket to Hell?
JC: What’s Hell?
IL: You know, Hell.
JC: Hell is existence without love. People who commit suicide frequently feel like they’re already in Hell, or they have so much suffering it’s hard to see the love. But I’m here to tell you that death doesn’t win, so if death doesn’t win, how can you wind up in Hell unless you put yourself there?
IL: So you didn’t go through Hell and redeem souls?
JC: I didn’t? I was all alone, dying harder than John McClane ever did, and it seemed like even God had forsaken me. My own father, if you think of it like that, since God is everyone’s father (I said it, I really did, no matter how hard people like to think otherwise). My family had deserted me. My brothers and sisters, my father, everyone. How is that not Hell? And yet love stayed with me, because that’s what redeems souls.
IL: What about the resurrection? Wasn’t that proof of God’s redeeming love?
JC: No, that was proof of your redeeming love. You couldn’t abandon me forever. My brothers couldn’t, my sisters couldn’t. And God never abandoned me in the first place. Did I rise from the dead or did your love triumph over your sin? Think about it.
IL: Anything else you’d like to say on the subject?
JC: People who want me to be a sacrifice are looking for an out. I called on all of you to be a sacrifice because only by self-sacrifice can you hope to win. It’s not about dying for the cause or for God. It’s about doing the hard thing. Love isn’t easy. Sin and death are easy, but love is hard, harder than dying the hardest you can die. If you can keep that love and live it, you don’t need me to be a lamb to the slaughter for you. I loved hard. Love as hard as I did and maybe you’ll die, sure, or maybe you’ll live hard. But love will win. That’s what I’m all about. Love wins.