Holy Moly: Land Grab

Genesis 12 begins with Abram, Sarai, and Lot, along with the family, continuing the journey to Canaan.  Only it doesn't.  It begins with God telling Abram to leave his home and head to Canaan.  Let's remember the strange chronology of the Bible and move on.

God says to Abram, "Head to Canaan and I will bless you and all people through you.  This land will be yours."

I can't help but wonder what the Canaanites thought about this.  Some guy shows up, says, "Hey, so, this land is mine because God gave it to me."

But the Bible doesn't really care about the Canaanites, as has been amply demonstrated already.  So this part is more important because it's a continuation of God making certain people His chosen.  Abram is, if not the first Jew, at least the father of Judaism.  He's the chosen.

Where's Canaan?  Why, it's the area where Israel is today.  See, God gave it to His chosen people, which is why that particular area of the globe is so peaceful and no one ever fights about land.

I'm not going to bash Israel (the state, not the character in the Bible) because I'm not really interested in being called anti-Semitic.  But if you want to know the origins of the problems in that part of the Middle East, they're right here, where God gives Canaan to the ancestor of the Israelites.  I'm not blaming the Israelites for taking God up on the offer at all.  It's choice real estate.  But that's why Israel is where it is and not, say, North Dakota.

Abram doesn't stay long though.  He's a nomad so he travels the land, going where the flocks go or where the water is or where the food is available.  He becomes something of an absentee landlord of Canaan, which I can't help but thinking that the Canaanites probably appreciated.

Famine strikes the land and Abram and his retinue head for Egypt.  Egypt, at this point, was probably the place to go if famine was striking.  The Nile delta is a fairly reliable food source, and the infrastructure could support a larger population.  That's not to say that Egypt never had famines, but it was more stable than the desert of Canaan.

So Abram heads there.  I imagine that he was probably just one of many refugees from the famine, and I can also imagine that the Egyptians might have been a little hesitant to take in more people.  But the problem isn't that Abram will be turned away at the border, but rather than apparently the Pharaoh wants to increase his harem.

Abram knows his wife is a looker, and he knows that Pharaoh tends to take a shine to new female faces, but he also knows that Pharaoh doesn't like those new faces to be married.  He's worried that if the officials find out that Sarai is his wife, they'll kill him and she'll wind up with the Pharaoh.

So he does the only logical thing and attempts to disguise her as an ugly woman... no, just kidding, he totally tells them she's his sister, and yes, absolutely, she would love to join the Pharaoh's court.  It doesn't say, but I'm pretty sure Sarai didn't just go to court to be a pretty face.  Pharaoh makes her his wife.  So Abram is pimping out his own wife to save his skin.  Classy.

God gets pissed, as God is wont to do, and sends plagues down on Pharaoh.  Which seems like a pretty shitty thing to do: Pharaoh may be in the market for wives, but he didn't know the woman was already married.  He even treats her and her "brother" quite well.  But God doesn't care.

Pharaoh finds out what's happening and kills Abram... no, only kidding again, he tells Abram, "Jeez dude, why did you tell me she was your sister?  Now your God is pissed at me.  I wouldn't have married her if I knew.  So, be a bro, take her back and get the fuck out of dodge before God makes it worse."

That, at least, is what he means.  Maybe we're supposed to read it as Pharaoh punishing Abram by exiling him, but frankly, had I been Pharaoh and had I gotten a reputation for killing men and taking their hot wives, I would have just killed Abram.  We never see any evidence that Abram was right in his paranoia.  Again, maybe we're supposed to just know that Egyptians are bad and everything Abram says is true, but if so, why does Pharaoh let him keep all his profits from pimping his wife?

I'm pro-Egyptian, as has probably become evident.  I'm not anti-proto-Israelite, but it seems like Abram gets off lightly in this story.  Maybe Pharaoh doesn't kill him because Pharaoh's pretty sure that if marrying Abram's wife makes God pissed, then God will be really pissed if Pharaoh kills Abram.  It's a story written from the point of view of worshipers of Yahweh rather than Horus, so Yahweh is obviously going to be the most powerful.

The Egyptians didn't survive to pass on a Bible, or at least their religion didn't.  It's a shame, because I'd like to read the opposite side of this story.  But frankly, I have a feeling that even if the ancient Egyptian Pantheon were still being worshiped today, Abram wouldn't merit a mention in their Bible.  That's not to say that the story is false, just that people tell legends of things which make them look good or make their gods look powerful.  Maybe it's spin.  Maybe it's not.  But in any case, I feel like Pharaoh acted pretty well, given the circumstances.